Steam Room Etiquette

Having taken to a steam or sauna recently after working out it seems there are a few unwritten rules that I’ve failed to recognise.
Apparently its sausage only, yep, mostly beefed up “Landaaan” sausage who do everything in their might to make what should be a relaxing fifteen minutes as uncomfortable and infuriating as possible.
I don’t want to hear you regaling stories about how “mashed up” you were at the weekend, or why Bianca won’t be coming to ‘Parklife’ this year after what happened between you both in the portaloo’s last year…
Not only is “beefed up Joe” joined by a similarly annoying mate, there’s fanny adams in the corner acting like it’s a test of endurance spending all of fifteen seconds in the steam and eucalyptus infused air. I’ve just got to the point of enjoying a miracle ounce of peace after tweedle dee and tweedle dum have exited the cupboard sized room, when F.A starts flapping around. Slapping his feet here, letting out great gasping “aaaarghs” and “euuughs” as if someones constantly poking him with a searing metal poker.
Seriously??? Is it too much to ask to not have to be wedged into the tiniest corner for fear of being slapped by sweaty protein injected arms, or to enjoy a moment of SILENCE? Yes that sound Simon and Garfunkel have sung so sweetly about.
Is there any justice in the world when a girl can enjoy a mere ten minutes sweating out the weekends alcohol and fantasizing of looking like Giselle in her bikini when in fact the reality of the matter is that she’s in a 10ft square box packed like a sardine in East London and praying someone doesn’t fart?
Apparently not.

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